Greetings heathens, zealots, web denizens and the rest of you!
So, it is almost upon us. A pox potentially worse than Glee. A horror worse than any zombie movie or robot take over melodrama.
A 50 Shades of Grey movie is about to be released.
I have read some of these terrible books. When they became big hits, I tried to read them out of curiosity. When I encountered was a something that was so terrible it should come with a surgeon general’s warning. “Warning: This book is more terrible than terrible,” it would read.
The 50 Shades books were terrible. And by terrible, I mean, they were enough to rupture your brain, causing whatever intelligence you have to leak out into the atmosphere.
By terrible, I mean you will find better writing on a grocery list penned by a spastic seal writing on a soggy napkin in crayon.
By terrible, I mean having to listen to the Hamster Dance on repeat for 48 hours while having to eat mouldy cheeseburgers from MacDonalds is a preferable fate than having to read them.
By terrible, I mean by comparison, the movie Showgirls (maybe the worst movie of all time) will look like Citizen Kane by comparison to a 50 Shades Movie.
By terrible, I mean that being hung upside in a vat of leaches whilst a hungry badger gnaws upon your toes is a better fate than having to read a single paragraph of those books.
So now, someone decided: “Hey, remember that terrible series of books that, for reasons not even Stephen Hawking can understand, were super popular and women everywhere were devouring like some sort of evil, ink stained crack? Lets make a terrible movie out of them just to bring the end of the world closer.”
ugh. May Odin have mercy upon our souls.
Ps. Just how terrible is 50 Shades of Terrible? More terrible than this:
